Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Night in Despair

Last night was rough. My despair had its roots in more than one troubled soil. As you know, the past few weeks have been a challenge, mentally and physically. The cold symptoms that have lingered for weeks linger still. But this weekend a new problem sufaced. A boil on my forhead, right between my eyes that had been dormant for years suddenly went active, very active. It swelled up so that my face started to change - my eyes found themselves surrounded by puffy collars that made them appear like the eyes of an animal of some sort. And the boil itself hurt. So Monday morning I sat waiting at the local clinic for the doctor and when I finally saw her she lanced the boil but only managed to squeeze out a bit of puss. She prescribed antibiotics and told me to apply cold compresses. Today marks day three of the treatment. The swelling is down, although it was up this morning when I woke. Now it's down again after my morning dose. The boil itself is the size of the end of my pinky, like a third eye that badly wants to open but is swollen shut. The very end looks a bit gangren. But perhaps it's readying itself to burst. The doctor said I should come back today. If I go in the afternoon, there'll be a wait. Hungarian clinics don't have things lke receptionists who call your name, so you have to wait and remember when your turn has come. And others often remember differently. So if you get lost in a book you may not get in at all.

But the medicine is giving indications that it's working. And the cold also seems to be abating somewhat, likely helped by the antibiotics. So I'll stay the course and remain hopeful.

Of course, a big part of me doesn't want to take antibiotics, although I have had success with them in the past. Out friend Joan, a retired nurse and champion of raw food and yoga, advises against antibiotics unless perhaps one is in the grips of death. Her husband suggested that death itself might be better. Hmm. The infection was getting worse. I had fasted for two days a couple of weeks back and had noticed some improvement with the cold, but perhaps a longer fast was required. I reasoned that with all the work I had, I should go back to eating. My thinking now is that once these antibiotics rid my system of disease, I'll give myself a couple weeks of healthy eating, meditation and Yoga and then set off on a seven-day fast to cleanse myself.

So illness was on my mind as I lay awake. But so were my relationships with my wife and son. I want to return to an invigorating sexual relationship with Lucia. But I've felt rather emasculated around her. I've found myself blaming her for this. It doesn't have to be so. I could set time aside for us and focus on showing her a good time. This could require sending Eldar to a friend's for a night. But it's worth a shot. Soon.

Eldar I just have to spend more time with. Time is such an issue. If I get up early, then I'll have time for meditation and Yoga. No? After Vipassana I meditated at least twice a day for an hour at each sitting. And I got all that work done. Of course my cold persisted. And I didn't have time for Yoga. I suppose the solution is to get up and meditate for a half-hour, practice Yoga, work diligently and meditate for an hour in the afternoon. That sounds promising. And with work done, meditation and Yoga supporitng me, I can spend quality time with Eldar in the afternoon. We can walk outside, play in the playground, talk, build lego, etc. Promising plan.

Now is a challenging period for me. I'm 39. My life priorities are changing fast, or should be changing. My work has had me a bit befuddled. It's been challenging, but it hasn't always been comfortable. And it hasn't exactly been the product of my heart or of my choosing. And then there's the issue of insecurity as I've been living from project to project instead of going on the retainer that my lead client has spoken of many times and was the subject of my meeting with him in Sweden this past June. This was why I went and it seemed this was what was resolved. But no, it wasn't and while he's given me regular work since then, it's all been on a project-to-project basis and not scheduled or planned. And not the sort of work I can easily oursource, either. And it coflicts with other work. But I have to give it priority because it pays so much better. But I miss classroom teaching. It seems I'll have the opportunity to do more of that next semester. And of course I still pine to be involved with a world-improving project that will make everyone smile and give me a sense of worthiness.

The weather is still warm, but winter is on its way and that my add to my gloom.

But I bet a reinvigorated sex life with Lucia would improve things all round.

So this gives me some things to work on:

up early for meditation and Yoga (not stressful, but beneficial)
diligent work
afternoon meditation
quality time with Eldar
reinvigorated sex life with Lucia

And another thing: quality time with friends.


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