250 million+ Americans to be deported

What started with a review of the status of one million or so Mexican migrants has ballooned to crisis of global proportions. Upon review of binding international agreements, the US Supreme Court concluded today that the vast majority of US residents either entered the country illegally or descend from individuals that did.

"Starting with the Mayflower Pilgrims, legions of illegal immigrants have infiltrated the central region of North America today known as the United States," said Justice Clarence Thomas, reading from the majority decision, "now all illegals as well as their descendants must go back where they came from or face criminal prosecution and deportation."

Justice Thomas explained that in accord with the spirit of international conventions signed by the US, only Native Americans can legitamately be called citizens and it is they who shall decide the fate of American soil and who walks on it. But because the ancestors of most African-Americans were brought to this country against their will, Thomas added, today's Black US residents have the option to remain on US soil as do all Jewish-Americans who came to the US fleeing persecution.

"Legal Immigrants to the original thirteen colonies were not in fact legal," Thomas continued, "those colonies were the product of British imperialism and we all know how illegal imperialism is. As for the American Revolution, its legality alone is questionable, and with regard to the United States it spawned, each state has its roots in an illegal colony - ergo a nation of illegals, minus the exceptions already noted."

Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsberg, herself a Jew, spoke with regard to the legitimacy of Jewish-Americans' claims to live in the US.

"Jews came to America to get away from the Inquisition, the Kossacks, Hitler, the Grand Mufti and whole lot of other Traif. What's more, we didn't have a country of our own in those days and the one we've got now is so mischug, you wonder sometimes what sort of promise they were talking about. My family and friends will stay here, thank you."

Europe meanwhile stands beside itself facing the prospect of absorbing millions of American castoffs. Ireland alone may have to reclaim as many as 34 million Irish-Americans; this in a country that currently holds less than 5 million of its own. Germany, Italy, France, China and a number of other nations face similar predicaments.